From the last few weeks, there has been playing something different kinds of feelings inside me. My heart and mind is not being able to get control over them. Those feelings are trying to take me some other where. They are disturbing my works and study. Actually, they are trying to disturb my every personal and professional thing. They are trying to take me far from my dream met. They are trying to take me away from my family and friends. They are trying to change my dream life and they are trying to disturb my plans and ambitions which I have been thinking from the last many years.
As like of everyone, I have also planned to have a sustainable job, handsome income, a lovely beloved, beautiful house in the middle of trees and flowers as like of heaven, own vehicle, two little kids, surrounded by other family members and friends. Still I am struggling to get fulfilled all those dreams. Everything is going as per the plans and hopes although the time frame is taking longer.
Suddenly, some factors started to strike on my mind. I don’t know whether it is the effect of the movie about the Buddha, the novel “Ghanachakkar”, the news about the destructions, the growing individualism, increasing lack of belief and selfishness among each others, rising misunderstanding between the dearest, the news about the Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan (only for the symbol of current lives), the same job from the past six years, the useless course books in practice of our day to day lives, or the losing world whatever the factors are, those all are moving here and there every seconds in my mind. They have made a playground inside me. Sometimes, I feel that Roberto Carlos has entered in my mind and he is hitting free kicks every time. What the hell is happening inside me?
Sometimes, I fear about the certainty of the death that we all have to die one day. And, I think that I have past 25 years of my life and the days are passing fast and fast. I think about the world and feel that there are lots of things to see and lots of things to experience. There are lots of happiness to enjoy and many more moments to cry. There are lots of dreams to fulfill. But, we are wasting our precious lives inside a small boundary of selfishness and egos. For someone, to get a good job may be the dream of life, for someone to have a happy family may be the success of life, for someone to get a beautiful house and car may be the fulfillment of life and for someone to get food for one time a day and a small shelter from the rain and sun may be the meaning of life.
Similarly, some feelings are striking inside me. I am feeling worthless to having a good job, a sweet love, a small house and passing life as ordinarily. Something is encouraging me to read the books and watch the movies which shows the reality of the lives of the world, to travel as much as you can to see all the parts of hills and valleys, steady fields, seas and oceans, strangers snow fields, huge buildings to sandal grounds, to taste the American launch to African dinner, to experience the eastern culture to western life style, want to get drunkard and lie on the ground looking at the stars on the open night sky. I want to travel all over the world reading beautiful novels and having sip of the whisky all my life making friends and girl friends all around. I want to see the lives of the people living in a common earth but with a vast different between each other. I want to write something which reflects the reality, the miseries, the fake smile, the darkness behind the beautiful eyes, and the ugly face behind the nice earth.
I don’t know how to start and what to do, whether I can walk on the journey or these are also my nonsense feelings or my stupidity. What I know is I am the person who can’t be able to get control over such foolish thinking and flow with the wind storm.